Who Shrunk the Ballerinas?

In my quest to quit body shaming myself and feeling guilty for every bite I take, every day I didn’t exercise, and how I look, I started with research. In doing so, I found a world wide effort to view big as beautiful. I was glad I wasn’t alone, and glad that others are probably not secretly judging me. Still, alas I judge myself. I remain insecure. So I went to the studio. I began this painting like I do many, with chaos.

I chose a neutral pallet with a wide variety of skin tones and some complementary hues. The color is applied translucent, with texture. I was quite pleased with this and was hesitant to cover it up. In reality I was emotionally concerned about the next step. Painting the Big Beauties.

In preparation I searched heavy women dancing and doing yoga. There were not an abundance of images. Sadly the ones I did find were connected to sensationalized articles of these unique brave souls. I guess I am glad for these few that are paving the way, but sad they have to.

I collected a variety of poses and made them my own, adding my feelings on how I think I look. drawing these figures in a beautiful way stirred up some difficult feelings. It was hard, it didn’t flow, I felt no one is going to like this, heck, I don’t even like this. Still I pressed on knowing I want alone.

With the reputation, I finally rejoiced in my happy figures: dancing, jumping, posing. it is a beautiful thing! So I posted it on social media! And….crickets.

Not a single like, not one comment, not even my dad sharing it. I felt horrible. I took to napping and repeated checking. Still nothing. Finally after a wasted day I thought “maybe it’s Facebook”. I reposted it as a change in my background. Phew! People saw and liked it. I wish FB wouldn’t mess around with peoples lives like that….I know, I know, it is not FB with the problem. (Later I realized I only published it to one person. Lesson learned)

I started thinking about what’s next. In the late 1800’s E. Degas painted beautiful ballerinas with the strong strong light source known by the impressionists. Why not paint a heavy ballerina in that likeness? So I looked at his work more closely. What did I find? These ballerinas were beautifully plump! They actually had a figure! Not only that, curves were accentuated with fluff and flowers. When did we shrink our ballerinas? When did a stick become the standard of beauty women all strive for? It can’t be for health reasons. Anorexia and beating your body into this shape is not healthy. Is this what is attractive? Not really! Big curves, no matter where they land on your body, ARE NOT GROSS!

In looking at my finished product, it reminded me of the Woman of Willendorf. If you are not familiar with it, it’s the oldest known sculptural artifact.

Many similar carvings have been discovered throughout the region. There are many speculations as to their purpose. (As if art needs a purpose). It’s fun to think about what Paleolithic people were doing with these. We’re they made for worship, education, comfort? Who knows? But we can look at the facts: they are made of Oolite, a stone not local to where it was found. That tells me the material was precious to them. You don’t just carve any old thing into a rare stone. You carve what is the most beautiful and valuable to you. A woman with curves!! A woman who would survive the approaching glaciers. The further north you go the bigger they are. Women with curves were needed for our very survival.

If you are a curvy woman, it may not be because you are lazy or gluttonous, it may be because it is hard wired in our DNA to survive. We came from ancestors who were strong, willful, survivors. I would even venture to say no curvy woman reading this would call themselves meek and vulnerable. So while there is a world wide effort to stop body shaming, we need to stop shaming ourselves. If I am speaking to you, I challenge you to make some cathartic art. A drawing, a painting, a sculpture, something to look at the beauty. Don’t look away, don’t hide from photographs and mirrors. You are beautiful and strong! Embrace, that! I know it’s hard but it’s time to face this stinkin thinkin head on! Your happiness with your self is worth it.

Feel free to post your struggles, your art, your thoughts, your breakthroughs below. And give yourself a hug from me, and a nod from the Woman of Willendorf.